Any child that with a  birthday in the 70’s was born with an extra chromosome that preset you as a Star Wars fan. Not necessarily a fanatic, but a fan none-the-less. I can remember watching Empire Strikes Back for the first time. The first movie was ripe with good ole’ “good guy vs bad guy” galactic goodness. As I sat legs crossed, looking up at the glowing screen, I saw my man Luke Skywalker struggling through the icy Hoth tundra on the back of a creature that looked like a cross between a kangaroo, ostrich, bobcat and billy-goat. They were bonding through a tough wintry storm and had to set down due to fatigue. Then it happened. Han comes through, slits the belly of the cute little creature and tucks his boy Luke snug into his innards.

“Ummmm, MOMMMM! What… wha? …….. I’m scared Mommy…..”

I am not the only person that has carried the inner emotional scars from this moment. There has been some art-therapy style expressions appearing in the pop-culture cloud that is raining down little gems upon us fans. The geek-marketplace is ripe with innard driven merchandise.  As I rounded up these little treasures, I couldn’t help but grin villainously while shedding a single tear….. “MOMMMMM!”

The Original Playset

Possibly the most fucked-up, jarring image ever to grace the aisles of Toys R Us. “Now with Open Belly Rescue Feature”. Really? Why not fill it with pasta and jelly and run the full monty. Oh my bad. This toy is appropriate for ages 4 and up. We don’t want to disturb the little tykes. If they ask we should just tell them “Well little Johnny, A TaunTaun lady fell in love with a Rebel Alliance man and they made a special hug and 9 months later this happened.”

The Tauntaun Plush

Cute, right? I mean, if you are able to look past the hypothermia and the “intestinal tract as overcoat”. Kind of like the Popples for the sick and twisted. Good looks to Heidi Kenney for her genius. She also has an awesome Etsy store that you need to check out.

Luke, it will be ok. I swear.

The Wedding Cake.

I looked it up. According to HowStuffWorks.com, “when it comes to meat, you need heat.” I guess when it comes to eating Tauntaun intestines, you need 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, 3 large eggs and 3/4 cup milk (well you need a little more but you get the joke)

Big shout to Cake Nouveau. They hooked this incredibly well crafted cake for the wedding of some Star Wars super fans. This chick knows how to go the whole way with it. Well done. Maybe we can level up and do an O.J. crime scene cake. Just sayin…..

The Sleeping Bag

This one is the best, right? A product of ThinkGeek.com. A pop culture treasure. A seriously dementedly fucked up product that is in mass production running down the assembly line is a factory in a galaxy not so far away…. And I quote” This high-quality sleeping bag looks just like a Tauntaun, complete with saddle, printed internal intestines, and a plush lightsaber zipper pull.” Fuck yes.

Life is complete now. For a mere $99.99 you can complete your collection of fictitious synthetic animal skin that you can roll up and take camping.

If this does nothing else it should inspire all of us to creatively develop edible, wearable or playable recreations of the most haunting memories we can unearth from our fragile mind. Dig deep and email me right away people.