(NOTE: For some reason all men are required to sport a grass Speedo with metal man-buckle.)

He-Man Big burly manly man. Mostly topless. All Man.

Beast-Man A man that is, well, a beast looking man.

Ram-Man A man that, well, rams things.

Clawful Man with claws for hands. Pincher action on big claw hand. For the most part, awesome.

Fisto Man with big fist. Spring action in arm with fist allows for easy penis punching.

Stinkor Skunk man that actually smelled shitty. BEST TOY CONCEPT EVER!

Ok ok ok. So you get what I’m saying.

Now to the point.

Superman, The Hulk, Spider Man, He-Man…everyone knew these men had super-powers because they looked strong as fuck. But the women always seem to look like some sexy chick that could be a hot teachers assistant. The only thing overgrown were their private parts. The men had bulging muscles and a strong physique while the women had giant titties and fat asses. Now don’t get me wrong, I love butts and boobies, but even as a kid I was a stickler for details. It made as much sense to me that Wonder Women was skinny as hell with big boobies-kicking ass as it would if Superman was scrawny as hell with a gigantically oversize codpiece. Knocking out cosmic level villains with a bony bicep and a raging hard-on. Refuckingdonkulous. It still irks me.

So in retrospect I wanted to give a slight nod to the original lady amongst super-men; Teela. Now her physique isn’t very strong, but remember, she didn’t have any powers. What she lacked in super strength she more that made up with a thick bottom and a sporty frame. I always imagined her walking with a hard switch and picking that tight jumpsuit out of her backdoor when things got sticky. Sure, she may rock the eccentric tiara at time but she also knew how to pop a collar well before Kanye West was able wipe his own bottom (which is still in question).

Teela, I thank you for setting a strong foundation for how to trigger arousal. Without you I may be turned on by fake titty-jobs, eating disorders and liposuction. Thanks to you I like thick hips, sexy lips and arms & legs that don’t bend. I hope that Man-At-Arms dick of a controlling Dad finally let loose of the leash and you were able to sow those oats with the likes of Moss Man (real men are covered in moss), Two-Bad (it’s like a three some with two sets of genitals) and Mantenna (don’t ask). You go girl.